Don't be a Can't ... and other Toxic Words
By: Ken Loftus, Clinical Director at The Sunlight Centre NFP Ltd
Our modern western society is currently going through an epidemic of mood disorders, with many going through a co-morbid hit of levels of depression and types of anxiety. The psyche lays on a foundation of base core beliefs, the beliefs that fuel most of these co-morbid diagnoses. The Base Core Beliefs have been constructed by our self-programming organic super computer brain that believes in its instinctual core that it is doing its best to protect us and have us stay alive.
Our Thoughts, Actions and use of language are the sign posts to these Core Beliefs and that is what we work on to help alter the epidemic. This paper focuses mainly on the use of Toxic Words in our daily language and shows their connection to the deeper beliefs in our psyche’s foundation.
Keywords: toxic, depression, anxiety, base core beliefs, thoughts, language
Don’t be a Can’t…or a Have to, or a Need to… and other Toxic Styles
A therapist’s job is to listen, but to what? The tone? The deeper content below? The words themselves? Yes, of course a mix of all the above, however the words we choose to use have that direct connection into our mind. Words represent images in our minds of how we see the world around us, that doesn’t mean how the world is, but how we see the world subjectively.
The Beginning
Our brain strives on images and symbols; it was the staple diet of the earliest communication between our ancestors. The words we use daily are highly complicated images and symbols that we use to communicate daily and recognising the ones that could be harmful is a helpful step to being Mental Healthy. These potential harmful words are connected to our brain but let’s stay out of the anatomy for a moment. The Consciousness to the brain is like a tiny driver on a 12 horse stage coach, that has just lost a wheel, on a dirt road, and the horses have just been spooked by a snake. We consciously want to control our brain, with its urges and drives, but we can only guide it, and hope it all goes well. And unfortunately, at times, it guides us. The base core beliefs and the toxic phrases in this paper are locked in the organic super computer brain, deep inside waiting to be accessed and used at a moments’ notice to protect ourselves.
Facts VS Beliefs
Base Core Beliefs are exactly that… beliefs. What a resilient person focuses on more are Facts instead of Beliefs. For example: “Every has to like me” is a belief. “I would like it if everyone liked me, but that may be impossible due to the several billion people in the world having their own internal beliefs about other humans.” Is a fact! Yes, we can whittle that down a little, “It would be nice if people liked me, but it’s OK if everyone doesn’t.” If two people began a similar role in a large office, one with the belief “Every has to like me” and the other “Wow, it’d be nice if people in here liked me.” What do we predict could happen? The Belief driven worker may be a Yes person to insure more people like them, they could take every co-worker action as a personal attack that they want to either fix or punish. The Fact driven worker engages with their co-workers and eventually, and hopefully (as nothing is guaranteed) finds a click of compatible friends. If some co-workers come across as not liking the Fact driven new worker, it may sting them a little bit, depending on how they showed their dislike, but they’ll be able to bounce back because they are basing the experience on the thought “It would be nice if all my co-workers liked me, but it’s OK if they don’t, and I hope I find some like-minded people.”.
But what is Toxic?
As mentioned earlier, words we use are connected to beliefs in our minds. We may try the old advice of “thinking before you speak” but even then the words we use are driven by what we see in that moment as right or wrong, good or bad, or that we think what may be an appropriate response for the situation. In the moments where we are in full reactive conversation (not thinking before we speak) the brain is in full swing analysing what is being said, and gauging your appropriate responses.
Toxicity itself is poison. We have heard of toxic relationships, toxic environments, toxic friends. What we’re focusing on in this paper are words we choose to use that create a psychological poison in our mental health.
A Toxic phrase is one that we think and talk about. They are most toxic when they are aimed at ourselves: I am worthless, I am unlovable, I am not capable. The more used ones being: Of course I got that wrong / failed. Of course they broke up with me. I am stupid, that’s why I missed that instruction.
Like the question earlier; what do therapists listen to… they listen to the above. They hunt down the thoughts and language that are directly connected to base core beliefs that are toxic and based in Beliefs instead of based in Facts.
The Main Toxic Words
OK so we’ve talked about our Organic Super Computer Brain, our Base Core Beliefs and Facts vs Beliefs and toxic phrases, now let’s focus on the villainous words that any reader can relate to, and hopefully try to consciously change.
Have to, Need to, Should, and last of all, Can’t, so yes, please, don’t be a Can’t! Let’s start with some examples and how they relate to unhealthy base core beliefs, unconscious and conscious thoughts, and the emotions they illicit.
So what do we see above? The Core Toxic Words having a massive influence in the Thought, which in turn has the effect on the severity of the emotion. What else do we see? Subjectivity. And plenty of it! Next step… let’s identify some Subjective beliefs that added together with toxic words can really mess up our day!!
Subjective Beliefs
For over 2 decades I have worked in the Mental Health / Caring sector and what I’ve seen most are people reacting to what they believe is right or correct. Good or bad – subjective. Right or wrong – subjective. Respect – subjective. So when we have a thought that someone ‘has’ to respect us, they would first need to know exactly our personal definiteion of respect to fully respect us. Even if we take that ‘have to’ and flip it to “I would like it if they respected me.” You’ve removed the Toxic word, but there is a Subjective belief in the sentence still. Let’s double jump this sentence… from “They have to respect me” to “I would like it if they respected me” to “I would find it respectful if they acted in x way”.
Test Time!
Well not really a test… but here are some examples but then Comment below your own suggestions!!
“You have to understand that you’re being mean!!”
What is in the above?
A Toxic Word, a Subjective View all wrapped in a Belief.
Let’s Flip it!!
“I feel you’re being mean to me, and I would really like you to take a moment to try to see it from my point of view.”
I’m afraid they still may act in a way you see as ‘mean’. That still leaves you with choices of telling them again, or even leave their company for a set amount of time.
“That TV show is wrong and disrespectful”
Flip it!!
“I think that show is wrong and disrespectful.”
“I can’t talk in front of a crowd.”
Remember…don’t be a can’t…so let’s flip this:
“I can talk in front of a crowd, but I feel very nervous about it, and today I’m going to choose not too.”
Recap
How are we doing so far? OK, quick recap… Words are important! Recognising Toxic words and phrases even more important! Creating a skill set to catch a Belief, that contains toxic words and a subjective view and then flipping it to a Fact based thought with an acceptance that others may not share our subjective belief is a Life Changing Skill!
Take three breaths and bring awareness to your words today.
