Self-Compassion – is it just for hippies??

By: Ken Loftus, Clinical Director at The Sunlight Centre NFP Ltd.

OK, so the ‘is it just for hippies?’ is an attention grabber! But OK… I’m kinda serious too! My background is a mix of science & the holistic. Psychology is a science, and many see therapeutic Mindfulness as a more holistic approach to counselling and for me, I tend to see that science is everywhere! So when I bring in self-compassion to my work, I ask my client “what does that mean to you?”. Many say to “love oneself” and I agree, but I also tell them about the science aspect!

On a holistic note, my favourite explanation of self-compassion is a mix of the history of mindfulness and bringing depressions best friend into the chat – rumination. The word rumination comes from the Latin word ‘ruminant’ which means ‘to chew over again’, to bring right back up that material you thought was cognitively digested! This usually happens when the lights go off in your room at night, and your head hits that pillow! The brain says – “Right… I was just having loads of fun stalking on Facebook and getting fed loads of stimuli on Instagram so I’m WIRED! And now the lights are off and the noises are lowered, so the neurological power needed for my eyes and ears can be redirected as well… redirected RIGHT BACK TO THAT THOUGHT ABOUT MY MIX UP AT THE WORK MEETING EARLIER TODAY!!! Ah that was a TERRIBLE mess, wasn’t it?! I mean I called my boss by my dad’s name, and I’m sure Sarah from accounting caught me staring… that’s going to be all over the office by tomorrow!!” What fun the brain is!

When I talk about self-compassion I usually bring in a Loftus original… if you go to the fridge and take out an old container and take a good ol’ sniff, and the contents make your eyes water and recoil in disgust, what/who do you blame? Possibly the person you think left it there, but you know who gets away Scott free? Your nose! You don’t blame your nose for a bad smell, but you blame your brain for a bad thought! We know our nose is there for smelling, but for some reason forget to realise our brain is there for thinking! “But I’m in control of my brain!” ah… I’m afraid not! That power house in your skull is calculating your oxygen, water and salt level while you’re still figuring out what socks to wear! Controlling your brain is like driving a 12 horse stage coach, over rocky terrain, with only three wheels…! It’s bloody tough and you can pretty much only guide it!

A more picturesque image is the one of 2 arrows. This old image shows its age by using arrows instead of bullets! When an event happens that we don’t like, and leaves us sad, angry, hurt, that is the first arrow. And that event has happened, we can’t change that, just try to accept it. However, if we dwell on it, ruminate about it, attack ourselves for it, then that is the second arrow hitting us, and we fired that ourselves. I have used this many times with my clients, some clients have even said that their previous day was full of second arrows! That awareness that we are cognitively attacking ourselves for a past event that has happened, instead of thoughts such as: “OK, what can I do different next time if this arises again?”

Self-compassion is self-acceptance. Self-compassion is self-awareness of our skills and limitations and knowing that our brain will think anyway. It will think of your ex when a song plays in a shopping centre, it will remember an embarrassing moment from earlier that day, but it will also help you remember your friend’s birthday and stop you calling your boss ‘Dad’… occasionally!

For more keep your eyes peeled for Ken’s Mental Health Guide Book coming soon!